How to stop letting shame define you
The Wild Way We Lose Ourselves and How to Reclaim Who We Really Are
Carrying shame from your past? Here’s how to stop letting it define you, plus the embarrassing-but-true story that changed everything for Sissy.
Ever felt so ashamed of something you did that you wanted to become someone else completely? Like, literally—new accent, new identity, new life?
On Episode 2 of Trust Yourself!, Sissy shares a hilariously raw and deeply human story about how one moment of shame in her 20s spiraled into a years-long performance—complete with a fake German accent. (Not kidding.)
We’re not just talking about cringe confessions here—this episode dives into how shame shapes identity, and how it cuts us off from our intuition, our joy, and our real damn selves. If you’ve been performing, people-pleasing, or hiding behind a mask, this blog is your mirror and your nudge.
What Happens When We Let Shame Define Who We Are?
Shame doesn’t just make us feel bad—it rewires our identity. Unlike guilt, which says “I did something bad,” shame whispers “I am bad.”
That’s when the masks start forming:
“The good girl (but not too good)”
“The perfect mom (but not too perfect)”
“The boss babe (but not a bitch)”
You try to be palatable. Approved. Acceptable. But all that effort? It silences your intuition, your authenticity, and your ability to just be.
😳 “Wait sissy, how long did you have a fake accent for?!”
In this episode, Sissy shares a time in her life when a personal mistake led to an avalanche of shame. Instead of healing, she ran from herself—straight into a made-up persona with a fake German accent she kept up… for three years.
She didn’t just wear a mask—she built a whole new life around it.
Why? Because shame told her she wasn’t enough as she was. That the real Elise wasn’t worthy of love or acceptance. So she became someone she thought might be.
Why This Happens (And Why It’s Not Just You)
Shame is sneaky. It feeds your:
People-pleasing
Self-doubt
Need for external validation
Desire to “perform” for approval
And before you know it, you’re not just hiding a mistake—you’re hiding you.
As Heidi says in this episode:
"When you don’t trust your intuition, you don’t even hear her anymore."
How to Start Reclaiming Your Identity
Feeling lost in a persona that doesn’t fit? Here are the tools we share in this episode to start breaking out of that shame cycle:
1. Identify the Mask
Ask yourself: Who am I trying to be for others?
What identity am I clinging to because it feels safer than being me?
2. Reframe the Story with Compassion
Instead of:
“I’m a horrible person because I ___.”
Try:
“I made a mistake. I’m learning. And I still love myself anyway.”
💡 Heidi’s example:
“I can f*ck up and I’ll still love me.” (Also her actual tattoo.)
3. Practice Small Acts of Authenticity
Say what you actually mean. Wear what makes you feel powerful. Let your truth show up, even if it shakes.
4. Start Trusting Your Intuition Again
Before you respond, agree, or act—pause. Ask:
“Is this me? Or is this who I think I should be?”
Journal Prompts to Help You Move Through Shame
What’s one moment I’m still carrying shame about?
What story am I telling myself because of it?
How can I rewrite that story with compassion?
Who would I be without this mask?
Join the Conversation (And Laugh With Us)
Sissy isn’t the only one who’s pretended to be someone else to feel “worthy.”
Have you ever:
Used a fake accent (even just for fun)?
Felt like you needed to change your personality to be accepted?
Lost track of who you are trying to keep up a persona?
👉 DM us on Instagram @trustyourselfpodcast or join our free Substack sisterhood to share your story here.
We’re all in this together—and the truth is, your real self is so much cooler than any version you think you “should” be.
Full transcript:
Elise (00:00)
I felt so ashamed of who I was that I literally created a whole new identity, complete with a fake German accent. Somebody asked me if I was from South Africa.
Heidi (00:12)
For generations, women were shamed for trusting themselves, sensing things before they happened, and believing in their own power. No one encouraged them to embrace it until now. Welcome to Trust Yourself.
Elise (00:27)
This says how much time have you spent beating yourself up over something that you did or maybe didn't do years ago? 85 % of people struggle with shame and women are way more likely to carry it as a permanent label. It becomes our identity. So today we're flipping the script on shame and we're establishing tools so you can stop living in the past, stop pretending to be someone else just to escape who you think you are and start taking your power back.
Heidi (00:56)
Yeah, shame can be super duper sneaky. I feel like it convinces you that a single action that you take or a decision that you make, a mistake that you think you did, that defines who you are. Guilt can say, I did something bad, but shame, shame says, I am bad. It becomes your identity. So it becomes like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You tell yourself I'm bad or
I'm not a good daughter or I make the wrong choices all the time. And then your subconscious starts to believe it. So you start to put into action things that would make that quote unquote truth a reality. You start hiding, performing and molding yourself into what you believe that reality is and you lose touch with your authentic self.
Elise (01:53)
So Heidi, think so many women live in these characters that we create and sometimes they're polarizing characters, right? Even if we don't realize it, like we become quote unquote, the good girl, but not too nice or the perfect mom, but not a helicopter mom or the boss babe, but not a bitch. You know, it's, it's always extremes of things. And unfortunately, I feel like our intuition, just,
can't thrive when you're hiding from yourself. So I always like to think of it that we all have Cersei Lannister moments where we're in King's Landing and like the universe is shouting, shame, shame, ringing the bell at us, even if that's not what's actually happening, but we feel that in our bones. Like we feel guilty or shameful about something. But what happens when we take on that shame as a new identity, it's so powerful.
because it means you can lose touch with who you really are. You can even attract relationships and jobs and situations that fit the mask that you're trying to be, not the real you. So you're probably doing something that your persona would like, but do you actually like it? Also, you're constantly exhausted because performing is fricking draining. And I do want to share with you a pretty extreme example.
of this. It is quite embarrassing, but I will say I think it needs to be said because I am human and mistakes happen, but I am also working through this letting go of shame from my past. So in my situation, I let shame from something I did in my 20s turn into my identity and I became someone I absolutely was not.
I felt so ashamed of who I was that I literally created a whole new identity, complete with a fake German accent. Yep. And this wasn't just a short identity crisis. This actually went on for years, unfortunately. So all
Heidi (04:07)
without me knowing any of this happened. So there Sissy was in college.
Elise (04:10)
wrecked.
Well, let me start from the beginning. Go for it. These are the situations that kind of all piled up to create this new persona of myself. I was in college in undergrad. was going to Leibniz Universität in Hannover, Deutschland. It was fantastic. However, I ended up cheating on my boyfriend. It was a really traumatic time. We were together for a long time, but it was horrible.
I cheated on him and this is hard because I'm, this is really raw and it's, I'm very embarrassed still talking about this. And this happened over two decades ago. But I felt after that happened that I took on the identity of cheater and therefore being a cheater, I was a horrible person, right? So if I'm a cheater,
Heidi (04:57)
It's okay.
Elise (05:13)
might as well be a liar too. So what happened was I was going back to the United States and instead of going back to Nebraska where our family lived at the time, I went to the University of Minnesota for grad school. I knew absolutely no one. I was actually really terrified. I'm pretty good at meeting new people cause we moved around a lot, but just coming out of this fresh breakup, just figuring out who the hell I am, I was scared. So,
Because I was a cheater, I, again, I became a liar. I was at our grad school opening day, meeting people for the very first time. And I had a phone call with one of my friends from Germany, Katharina. Hi Katharina, if you're listening. Ich vermisse dich. But I was speaking to her in German and it was not great. It was broken German, but it was still fun. And then apparently someone next to me who was my new classmate.
I got off the phone and she goes, my gosh, are you German? Guess what my stupid ass did? I turned to her and I go, yeah, I am. And out popped this god awful German accent because I thought, my God, no one knows me. I can rewrite who I want to be. And I am going to be a fun German student that came over from Hanover.
And then nobody's going to know I'm a cheater. Nobody's going to know I'm just such a bitch. I am this brand new person. God, it was the worst accent too. I'm not joking. was.
Heidi (06:47)
Sentinel.
Sissy, think for the listeners, you do need to give it a whirl. What did it sound like? What did it sound like? I can't even imagine this. This is crazy for me because, you know, as your sister, I thought we would share everything together, including like our deepest, darkest secrets. But turns out we didn't do that until our like late 20s, early 30s.
Elise (07:15)
We all have deep dark secrets, but this is true. This one did come out later.
Heidi (07:20)
Okay, so tell me, tell me how did you sound? me your best German accent. Honestly.
Elise (07:24)
It was so bad. can't even remember. probably something like, I like tennis. watched Venus Williams play tennis, yeah?
Heidi (07:37)
Very Americanized how we would assume that the German sound is like even though real Germans have like a really beautiful American accent because they've been speaking it since they were like five.
Elise (07:47)
And actually, no, I think I did it wrong because I think I actually I actually didn't say my V's like that. It was so bad that somebody asked me if I was from South Africa.
Heidi (08:00)
That tracks, actually. That very much tracks because Sissy has like the hardest time with accents. Like we will pretend to have fake British accents randomly whenever we like go to the drive through sometimes. yeah, it did. But also your accent always turns into some weird like Jamaican Irish, podge podge. Like what the fuck are you saying? South Africa.
Elise (08:13)
Started young.
Yes,
I was apparently a German from South Africa. But this accent went on and on because I was with these classmates for three years. And I kept seeing them and I can't believe that I let that one moment define me for three years of grad school. And I'm just, feel, I still to this day feel really bad about it. I'm still getting over it, but.
Heidi (08:36)
years. Holy fuck.
Elise (08:54)
Obviously, if some of those classmates are listening to this now, they're probably just now learning about it. Surprise! I have... Surprise! I'm actually not German. Actually, you probably already knew that but didn't want to say it. But I did talk to some of my friends who I still talk to today and I let them know what happened or what lie I created. And it was pretty interesting because they...
Heidi (09:07)
Also true.
Elise (09:22)
They just kind of laughed and they're like, what the hell were you thinking? You didn't have to do that. You were already cool. I'm not cool. I'm just a girl standing here asking you to like me.
Heidi (09:36)
Okay, I have so many questions though still. So did you do this accent like 24 7 when you were on campus or was it just a specific class? Everywhere on campus?
Elise (09:44)
campus.
No, it was a specific class, but if I saw those classmates in other classes, then I had to keep it up, right? What the fuck?
Heidi (09:56)
It was. That sounds exhausting. It was.
Elise (09:58)
was so exhausting. It was the lie that kept snowballing and snowballing. And every night I would just eat myself up. Like, what an idiot. Honestly, I wanted to go into school the next day and be like Ross from Friends where he had a fake accent when he was a professor and he was trying to fade out the accent. He's like, nobody will know. Nobody will know. my God. And it just sounds even worse. But I really, really wanted to try and fade it out.
Heidi (10:28)
It almost is like a Walter White effect. Like you do one small thing that you don't think is gonna. Yes, it's not gonna be a big deal. And then you're like, fuck, this is my life now. Like this is my this is who I am now.
Elise (10:40)
Yes,
it became my identity and then even worse. So first I'm a cheater, then I'm a liar, and then I'm sitting here like, what the fuck am I going to do now?
Heidi (10:50)
fake German accent, liar, cheater.
Elise (10:55)
are
you do next? Fucking rob a bank? Why not? Who knows? Maybe German Alis will rob a bank.
Heidi (11:01)
College is expensive, baby.
Elise (11:03)
Still paying that shit off. Same. Anyway, that's my shame story and it most likely won't resonate with you.
Heidi (11:12)
I disagree. think what happens is when you have that that moment, there's just a split second moment where you have to make a decision. Who are you going to show up as? Right. Are you going to show up as yourself or are you going to show up as who you think you should be? Are you going to show up as who you want to be? There are these different identities that we can embody and they're not all bad and they're not all good. And I feel like
our job as human beings is to kind of muddle through it and figure out what feels the best. Clearly in that split second decision, probably I would assume like as soon as that left your mouth when you were like, yeah, you were like, fuck, no instant regret. Yeah. So like it didn't feel.
Elise (11:56)
100 % 100 % Alright,
so I mean I could have as easily said No, but I've lived in Germany for a long time and I do know German. That's just as cool. What the fuck?
Heidi (12:09)
So walk me through your process in your brain. Like what was happening in that millisecond before you said, yeah, I'm German. Like they said, my gosh, are you from Germany? Then what happened in your brain?
Elise (12:21)
Instantly
I was thinking, I think foreign people are cool because they have some information about a different country that's fascinating to me. think that's fascinating. Instantly I thought, my God, I can be fascinating to somebody and I'm going to say yes because myself as I am right now is not fascinating and I want to be as far away from her as possible. That's what went through my brain. It was terrible.
Heidi (12:47)
So exactly like you had mentioned, like you were creating this new persona because you didn't like who you were. But that identity of who you were was something that you had created anyways, not necessarily through your actions, but through your own beliefs. Because you did this action, because you cheated, that made you a bad person. So again, self-fulfilling prophecy, you were like, well, I'm already a bad person, so.
Maybe I can do something that's cool. Maybe I can change this." And then it just snowballed, obviously. But I think it all stemmed from that shame that you were feeling from that original decision that you made. And you embodied that decision as who you are. So what happened was that shame was feeding your self-doubt. And it was telling you that you're not worthy exactly as you are. And because you're not worthy exactly as you are,
you had to create somebody else who you thought would be worthy of friendship, worthy of love. Turns out that's really fucking hard to do and keep up with. Surprise. But then it forces you to become like a people pleaser because specifically for your personality type, I can say this as your sister, because I know you well, Sissy. You are the person that you crave that approval, that recognition, that validation that you're a good person.
which I think we all do to some degree, but you do it in such a people pleasing way that keeps that self doubt sort of alive and you start molding yourself for approval. So what can I do to get this person's approval? you think somebody from Germany would be cool? Yeah, that's me. I can be her, of course. Well, that's a good question actually. What happened for you after, let's say after like what, six months of this, what was going through your mind then where you're like,
What am I going to do? What's the end game? like, who am I? What do I, what were you feeling in that like six month phase? my God.
Elise (14:46)
To be honest, I was going through so many scenarios, some as extreme as, it, I just have to move to Canada where nobody knows me, I have to start all over again, this is stupid, to like, well shit, maybe I'll just have to keep this up my whole life and be someone I'm not. And then to some point actually it became me and I...
felt like anytime I met somebody new, we went out to the bar and I was with my classmates and I became her. And anytime they asked me questions about my past or where I lived, yes, I lived in Hanover, but I kind of elaborated on that. And then I started to believe my own stories. Like, yeah, grew up there from like a baby. I knew everything. No, no. And that six months, was like,
I could go to all the extremes and that's where I was.
Heidi (15:45)
Again, Walter White is what keeps coming to my brain because it's like you just like start to dig and then you just keep digging and keep digging and keep digging until it's so far deep that you can't get out of it. And I think what happens is when you're digging into this like new life, new persona, that persona has now become your honestly coffin. Like you're digging a grave, right? They say that you're digging your own grave and you can't get out of it. It's your cage. It's your coffin. And you really
Like your ego pretty much goes to die there because it's become your identity, but that's not you. So you have gotten so far away from your true self, so far away from your intuition that you don't even hear her anymore. You don't even know who you were. Like you literally got to a point, even in just six months, where you believed that you were this other person. Like you've created your own reality now, even though you knew it was delusional.
Elise (16:40)
Honestly, yes, it was like that stupid girl in the movies that's gonna go do something dumb, like go down the basement when they hear something and you're screaming at her. You're like, don't fucking do that. Don't do that. You know it's dumb, but she doesn't hear her intuition. She doesn't hear anything. She's just like, I'm fine. I'm gonna go check it. And you're still sitting in there in the movie theater like, no, you idiot. That was me. I was like screaming at myself. Like you idiot. There's so many things you could have done differently.
Heidi (17:10)
So for our listeners who are maybe sitting in their own dug hole right now, maybe they haven't created a new German persona, but there are so, like I can see these in so many other scenarios where you believe you are something or you believe that you aren't something and you let it become your identity. So for those who find yourself in that cage right now, here's something you can do. First, you can identify the mask.
What persona have you been holding onto for approval or for external validation? What person have you let yourself become? What is that mask that you're holding? Identify that mask. Second thing you can do is reframe the story. If you could rewrite your past with compassion, how would it sound? So for you, Sissy, for example, if you look back at your past and you say, that moment where I cheated on my boyfriend.
How can you rewrite that with compassion versus I'm a horrible person, I'm a cheater, I'm a liar, nobody's ever gonna love me again.
Elise (18:18)
Gosh, you're putting me on the spot. I mean, looking at it now, knowing everything that transpired before that, because there's a lot of the story I'm not sharing with you, but I knew I wanted to get out of that relationship, but I let that keep going to that's another story. because I let the cheating be the reason that we broke up, I think
That's what drove the guilt the most. And so if I could just look at myself and go to her and say, you know, it sucks that it had to come to this, but it's going to be OK. We all make mistakes. It's going to be OK. He's going to be OK. He's probably going to be for the better because he's not marrying a fake German accent girl. No, but all that aside, yeah, I would. Yeah, I would give her a big ass hug and be like, it's OK. But now you do have a chance.
to start over in another state authentically. And be you because someone's still gonna love you regardless of whatever you do in the past. No one has a pristine past.
Heidi (19:21)
Yeah.
I have a tattoo that I recently got on my inner bicep in my own handwriting. I gotta read it, because I forget sometimes. It says, can fuck up and I'll still love you. And it's written in my own handwriting for a reason, because it's a love letter to myself. I can fuck up and I will still love me. And sometimes that story reframe is as simple as that. I truly don't think and I don't believe that there are
wrong choices. I think there are choices that have bigger lessons. Trust me. I don't know, I'm always a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. So when you reframe a story or reframe sort of what you did in the past with compassion, to me, it's just, I still love you and we can move forward. So practice that. And then another thing that you can do is just practice small acts of authenticity. Show up as you
Elise (20:02)
100%.
Heidi (20:27)
and say what you think, wear what you love and be real. Much easier said than done. Hence why we are creating an entire podcast on trusting yourself to show up as you. It's hard. It's very vulnerable to be you. But if you build your own confidence up, then it also helps you in portraying your true self to the world because you're confident in yourself and you love yourself. I think self-worth, self-love and self-trust is the foundation to being authentic.
The last thing that you can do is trust your gut again. So when you feel yourself about to act out of habit, say you're masking something or you're putting your mask on or you're people pleasing or you're performing, before you act out of habit, pause and check in with your intuition. What does your intuition say? Does it say, yes, this feels good, keep doing this? Or does it say, I don't think this is really you? I know you guys have felt this before, because I've felt it so many times from.
what I choose to eat when I go out with a group of people, sometimes literally just that, can be like, well everyone else is ordering a salad so I guess I'm not gonna get the fucking pizza. Just check in with your intuition and then go for
Elise (21:43)
I think that's perfect. And I feel like my biggest takeaway from this has been that mistakes don't define you, but it's how you choose to move forward that does define you. You are allowed to change and grow and let go of those old identities. And actually how I'm doing that right now, just saying all of my airing, airing all of my dirty laundry on a podcast. I feel like that's also helping me grow a little bit.
because I recognize now that it doesn't fit me, but I'm moving through it. So knowing that you don't have to hide behind a mask to be worthy, you just have to be you. So I don't know if this fits in here or not because it could be controversial being that it's a Dr. Seuss quote, but it is one of my favorites. He said, people that mind don't matter and people that matter don't mind. And I think that
that's just perfect for any situation where you find that your shame is creeping up, your people pleasing is creeping up and you feel like you have to morph or mold to be someone else. Just remember that who are you morphing for? Are they gonna care? Because the people that matter to you are not gonna fricking care. And if they do, they don't matter to you, right?
Heidi (23:08)
That's really one of the main reasons why we started our company, InAid Abilities, which then led to this podcast is because we really wanted to help women reconnect with their intuition and trust themselves again, but also have this super safe space for them to go to as well. We want women to stop hiding and start thriving by being their true selves. And like we mentioned earlier, to be your true self, you really do have to have self-worth, self-love.
and self-trust. So if you're struggling to break out of that shame cycle, we're here to help. We are just launching our sub stack. It's free. It's going to be a fabulous community. We want all the women to go there who are listeners on our podcast to share your wins and also share your struggles. I want it to be such a warm, comforting sisterhood that we're going to create. And we'll also share our newsletters every week on that sub stack. So
If you're interested, sign up. We'd love to see you in there and chat with you. The link is in the show notes.
Elise (24:11)
I'd love to also see if anyone else has any fake German accents or fake accents. That would be lovely to hear. Well, next time, it's your move.
Heidi (24:17)
Good luck.
Make it count. Bye!